Vanity is a Game I Have Trouble Winning

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I have this weird low-key obsession with beauty
The physical attractiveness
Seeing myself as someone who is
Attractive

It’s something I want to achieve, it’s something I know I have, and it’s something I want to avoid. Altogether.

I’m so vain, to fight that brings me a sense of pain, and to accept it, brings me a sense of guilt.

Compliments,
Don’t even get me started on them.
I believe them from some, mainly less known
I don’t take them in from those who’re close

And it’s not because I don’t trust
That they’re not just telling white lies
It’s something about compliments
That carry heavy shit in my mind

I used to hear compliments from people near me
And I’d degrade myself almost instantly
“No I’m not” “Me? Pretty?”

Not to fish for some more
Not to seem beat up and sore
I just never believed it
Never believed their words

That’s not what they would say!
My own friends, my classmates,
And when I cried about it
To my parents, they stayed
silent.

Never once convinced me
They were all lying.

The one time I was called
Beti la fea (ugly Betty) by my dad
I laughed it off as a joke
But really, it felt bad.

All he would say is…

Lo que cuenta esta adentro
Lo que cuenta es el cerebro
Si te dicen que eres fea, ell@s
Tienen actitudes muy feas

The impression that left
Could you imagine?

Made it seem like only
Certain people can be pretty.
The pretty ones are most likely
Mean. Bullies.

It was far from what I wanted to be.
I only wanted to be seen as
Pretty.

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