The Blind that Did Not Want to See

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His life seemed like an ocean frightened by a storm. His ideals were like the waves, constantly changing, lacking direction. One day he dreamed with saving the world, and the other, he just wanted to travel, with neither destiny nor commitment, without tides to anyone or anything. Likewise, his temperament was unpredictable, quiet at times; grown and scary at others. And, like a wave’s shoal, was his fury, it could be mortal to anyone around.

He lived in small and filthy room, trying to hide his affliction for being someone other than what he wanted to be. The walls looked wore and injured by the violence of a man’s madness. There were old and dirty clothes spread everywhere on the floor, and uncleaned dishes even in the bathroom. A mountain of trash on top of the bed, almost served as the mattress.

Paradoxically, he always condemned the same system that he learned to manipulate. Pretended to be disable or victim of the circumstances, depending on what was most convenient at the moment. He never cared about going to school or learning from others, and felt offended when someone offered him a minimum wage job. To him it was less humiliating being a beggar or to depend on his lover in turn. But he could not see his misery; he focused on that of others, attempting to drown his own.

His paternity was broken in pieces. He left children in different places. One of them, he never had the certainty that it carried his blood, the other two that he knew, he never got them a birth certificate. Ironically, he fought for the rights of little parentless girls, who were abused daily by the hands of miserable men. It was as if by advocating against the abuse of defenseless kids, he could wash his own faults to his own children.

But they say he was endowed with the gift of being a good lover. That saved him many times from getting lost in his misery. He got romantically involved with several women, yet never had a stable relationship. Under the shadow of the night, he also loved men, but in the end, he never loved anyone except the one he admired several times a day in front of a mirror. All his conquers lost discernment once he lead them to enjoy forbidden pleasure, the same pleasure that emanates the sacred fluids when the body is burning in desire.

It was as if he gave them a drug. Little by little, he raised the dose of lies incredibly credible, his sensual touch and humid kisses. Soon, they became addicted to his soft whispering, his skin, and his tongue. He never depended on himself, he drew their partners’ energy, money and emotional well being. And like a wood tick does to its prey’s blood, he left all his lovers feeling empty inside out. As soon as he ended a relationship he got attached to another woman that could bear his lack of vision; his addiction to a drama where you hate what you love, and his beastly desires for unending sex until getting a sense of peace that he never felt within.

But his lies and manipulations of guilt soon lost their effect. It came the time when a deep sense of loneliness was as present as the absence of the last woman that still saw something good in him. He scared her away with his volatile temperament and betrayals. At one moment he adored her for giving him everything he wanted; at another, he accused her of being arrogant for refusing to spoil him. And, there was a time, when he even hated her for being what he would never be, an honest, hard working and successful person.

Despite the fact that prudence advised her caution since the first day they met, even seeing his flaws, she refused to see. It was easier to live a lie than continuing to be alone. She decided to belief him and mistakenly gave him away her heart in a silver plate. She took him out of the mundane room and treated him like a king. She shared her house, flights in first class, and even her life. But he only wanted her wallet and the control of an unhealthy relationship like the others he had before. She forgave him over and over again, until due to misfortune or good luck, the implacable light of consciousness pulled out the blindness from her soul.

She grew out her wings and returned to her normal life before she descended to hell with him. Seeing the truth returned her freedom, from the addiction to a man that, so many times, without loving her, made love to her. She dressed up with courage, and in the middle of an internal fight between reason and physical desire, sought help among those that always wished her well. Despite the immense pain that burned her heart as a result of disillusionment, she raised her head up, dusted off the grief, and without more mercy, she never looked back again. She finally let him go!

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About the author

Laura Figueroa

Laura was born in Guatemala and immigrated to the US at age 21 to redesign her life from the bottom-up. Her first jobs in this country included housekeeping and babysitting until she learned the language. Eventually she went back to school and earned a BA in Psychology at California State University and an MBA at Walden University. Laura has worked in the HIV field in different capacities and with people from diverse backgrounds since 1996. First with LA Shanti as Programs Manager and then with John Snow Incorporated in Colorado where she provided capacity building for several ASOs in the Midwest and conducted HIV national trainings. She also did independent consulting work and motivational speaking, Prior to joining Gilead she worked at Boheringer Ingelheim for 2 ½ years, first as Community Liaison and later as HIV National Accounts Manager. Laura is a columnist for xQsí Magazine and a contributing writer to the book Gathering Round the Fire.

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