Sometimes I look to my past and think of how much I have experienced in the last few years while living with HIV. I do feel that I have learned a lot from it. I struggle not to look at the negative side of it because; fortunately I do receive many good things everyday.
Sometimes I forget that I am HIV positive, and of course its still there. I guess sometimes, forgetting is just one way to cope day by day.
Sometimes as I realize that I have HIV, I also realize that I have a life filled with fears, anger, sadness and many other feelings, all coming from my crude reality and my wounded heart, and that’s why sometimes I’d like to scream, and cry so hard to show how angry I am.
Sometimes I cannot find a way to let it out. I’ve been keeping it in for so long! And I guess, that’s why I have become a natural caregiver, another way to keep myself out of the loop from crying, while also keeping myself strong enough to show the positive new values, being HIV positive had given me, along with courage and anger, all transformed into passion.
Sometimes I’d like to stand at the beginning of the line to speak up and say, Hey! I do feel pain too; you’re not the only one! And my message to you is that I will not let this fucking virus win this battle, because my anger and my dreams are stronger. And those are the most important actors on this stage. I will walk back stage when it is time. Not now!
HIV, I choose you to listen to my heart, to the sound of my life with each step I take, in the love I give each time when I love, in my dreams each time when I am dreaming, when I fight with you each time when I am ill, when I fight with you each time when I hope, and when I fight with you each time when I pray. HIV, sometimes I would like to think that you are not inside my body, killing and hurting. But the truth is, I don’t think you have touched my heart yet, because, I keep dreaming of a future filled with happiness and superb moments. This is not your time yet.
HIV, I will keep walking forward, feeding my soul thinking that sometimes, you are not inside my veins, my brain, my skin, my eyes, or hiding somewhere inside stupidly undetectable! But, there’s something you should know, you would never be able to touch my soul.
HIV, my soul is something you won’t be able to reach, no matter how much you do. That’s how I will show you my payback, by not allowing you to prevail at the closing stages of this battle, our battle!
HIV, you are that something I wish to think of sometimes, only sometimes to say… Fuck you HIV!