Viviendo en la Claridad: “In the Name of Love”

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[Haz click aquí para leer la nota en español]

She had been living alone for a long time and never imagined that romance could seduce her again. Everything started through a casual conversation on the Internet, but she feared getting hurt. Last time she fell in love, her heart drowned in the deep pain of a terrible betrayal.

Despite her resistance, the arrival of a new love was inevitable. Receiving so much attention, hearing how beautiful she was, and feeling embraced by the woman’s flirtatious glances, all made her believe that loving was possible again. She let her guard down. And leaving all her fears behind, she let her companion’s caring touch, warm breath, and angelic smile win over her heart. Every day the desire was stronger. Time passed quickly and the distance between them became almost non-existent. All she could think of was that moment of destiny when their passionate bodies would finally become one under the same blanket.

But the idea of having found her soul mate did not last long. Some days she felt at peace, trusting that her mate accepted her completely and wanted to spend their lives together. Other days she felt tortured by the idea that the feelings of her lover had suddenly changed.  Irrevocably, so much uncertainty depleted her soul and her mind. After one of those raging fights they had, without any chains to the past or fears of the future, she said goodbye to her girlfriend in a letter:

“My Love,

“So many times I have asked myself why loving you so deeply and transparently has not been enough to keep us together. Today, I think I may know the answer.

“Since the beginning, our idyllic romance was a roller coaster, with its unexpected ups and downs. I remember how you excitedly consulted with the Stars, and said that Pisces and Cancer had a lot in common, but soon after, you thought that we were like oil and water. You put me on a pedestal, surrounding me with caresses and whispering sweet words in my ear. Twenty-four hours later, your voice got lost in the darkness of silence.  One day you would swear you’d love me forever, and the next, you would insist that we weren’t born to be together. One night you played with your fingers in the most sacred part of my body, bathed your face with the blessed water that flowed from my pores, and made me feel I was in Heaven. But then, I was once again left with only the company of your merciless indifference.  

“If I pushed you away, you got closer. You held my hand strong, only to let it go, like tossing a stone off a cliff. At other times, you would stand back and undress me with that flirtatious look in your eyes. You hugged me so passionately against your chest and kissed my lips sweetly with your breath. Yet, when I kissed you back, all of the sudden your interest dissipated. What a paradox! It seemed as if you wanted to hold me very closely to your heart, yet, it was you who ended everything between us.  

“I do not regret our time together; I am not even upset for your confusion. But I already know what I want, while you… are still trying to find yourself. I do not judge you. I simply understand that the search for your inner self is a special journey in which, unless you let me, I cannot join you. Your absence still hurts, I must admit.  But I know the great memories of our love adventure will eventually heal the deep wound caused by your departure.  

I will always remember our romance. It has been beautiful to love you! But I learned a long time ago that loving is not enough; it takes two to be two. With you, I discovered that I can fall in love again, yet I deserve to be with someone who loves me back enough to build a life together. This is why, in the name of love, I say goodbye.”

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About the author

Laura Figueroa

Laura was born in Guatemala and immigrated to the US at age 21 to redesign her life from the bottom-up. Her first jobs in this country included housekeeping and babysitting until she learned the language. Eventually she went back to school and earned a BA in Psychology at California State University and an MBA at Walden University. Laura has worked in the HIV field in different capacities and with people from diverse backgrounds since 1996. First with LA Shanti as Programs Manager and then with John Snow Incorporated in Colorado where she provided capacity building for several ASOs in the Midwest and conducted HIV national trainings. She also did independent consulting work and motivational speaking, Prior to joining Gilead she worked at Boheringer Ingelheim for 2 ½ years, first as Community Liaison and later as HIV National Accounts Manager. Laura is a columnist for xQsí Magazine and a contributing writer to the book Gathering Round the Fire.

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